As I peered over my niece’s shoulder to catch a glimpse of the book she can’t part with, I read, “Blair Waldorf reached under the tablecloth and squeezed Nate’s knee. The candlelight was making her horny. If only Daddy knew what we’re planning to do after this, she thought giddily” ( you know you love me, Cecily von Ziegesar ). Suddenly, my palms became sweaty, my throat clenched, and that familiar voice yells from the caverns of my soul, “DON’T BE YOUR MOTHER, DON’T BE YOUR MOTHER!”.
Age 11, I reach for a new book placed high on my mother’s bookshelf, Are You There, God?, It’s Me, Margaret (Judy Blume). A reluctant reader, the title peeked my interest. As I opened the title page, I heard the “You should be ashamed voice” bellow from my mother. “PUT THAT BOOK DOWN!”ricocheted off the walls of the room sucking the air from my lungs and making my shoulders tighten with fear. Embarrassed, I dropped the book, and shuffled to my bedroom. We never spoke about the incident again.
The dilemma. To let them read or not let them read. To be my mother or not to be my mother. Parents monitor their teenager’s television programs, internet use, friendships, and activities but what about their books? Most parents rejoice to see their 13-year-old daughter engrossed in a book instead of causing trouble with friends or sitting in a backseat with her boyfriend. I found the book in the teen section, and it is on the best seller’s list. It must be ok, right? But is it?
Many of us have seen the recent stories. Reporters taking inventory of all the mature issues wrapped in pretty plaid book jackets marketed for your teen’s pleasure. Anchormen warning us of the dangerous subjects hidden in these books. Series such as The Clique, Gossip Girl, and A-List receiving a great deal of negative press. If I listen to the media and blame the Gossip Girl Series and the Pretty Committee ( from the Clique series) for teen pregnancy, materialism, drug use, and oh yes – everything else that is wrong with adolescence today, am I becoming my mother? The one who bans the books, who never has those important conversations, or am I being a responsible parent? To this day, I have yet to read that Judy Blume novel. Just mentioning the title fills me with dread and guilt for disappointing my mother with my curiosity.
Here’s a new idea, instead of telling our daughters to drop the book and back-away with hands raised, let’s embrace the activities that fill our teenager’s life as opportunities to establish trust and respect. First, celebrate that our children choose to read in their spare time. Go ahead, pat yourself on the back! In a world plagued with illiteracy, give your child and their teachers a nod for taking steps towards extinguishing this epidemic. It may not be Chaucer, but it is a step in the right direction. Second, accept that a teenager is a peculiar species. They speak their own language, rarely smile, and have 57 ways to roll their eyes – each with it’s own meaning. We as parents are given very few opportunities to communicate with our pubescent children. Yes, that awful “C” word, communicate. Therefore, let’s take advantage of every opportunity made available to us. If we spent less time banning these books based on media hysteria and more time exploring them, we would see them as a goldmine for starting real conversations about the issues our teen faces every day. For example, use the mistake Sophie made with Chaz, in, What My Mother Doesn’t Know, to discuss internet safety. The risks that accompany on-line relationships, and how to make responsible decisions about whether or not meet these people Let Blair, from the Gossip Girl Series, be a catalyst for a real discussion about abstinence. I’m not referring to the lecture your mother called the “birds and bees”, but a real dialogue about the pressures of an intimate relationship. Teenagers connect with these characters, hence their popularity and position on the best seller’s list. Let’s stop labeling these books as smut and see the plethora of opportunities they offer parents to start an honest discourse about contemporary issues.
Now let’s be realistic. Parents don’t have time to sit down and read every book their teenager picks-up. Most parents have a hard enough time figuring out how to balance car pools, practices, games, recitals, and many more unnecessary extracurricular activities their child is involved. Fortunately, there are resources to help parents understand what their teenager is reading. Websites such as bookbuddies4parents.com and teenreads.com are two resources. Many more offer guides that can be used to start a book club. Explore the internet, and you will find many, many more. Unsure how to search the World Wide Web? This may be another one of those rare opportunities to connect with your teenager! Well, until next week’s headline convinces you to disconnect from your internet provider
Posts Tagged ‘Teens’
Troublesome Teen?
December 17th, 2009
The call is from a flustered parent rhyming off a litany of complaints about their teenaged son or daughter; drugs, alcohol, truancy, sex, smoking, shoplifting, vandalism, hanging out with the wrong crowd. The parent is focussed and organized by the youth’s misdeeds. The parent is seeking the magical solution: someone to speak with his or her child, such that the egregious behaviour is instantly curtailed. Typically, the belief is that the counsellor can wag an even bigger finger in the teen’s face, such that he or she finally gets it and mends his or her ways.
Sadly, when this kind of call is received, the teen is so far off kilter that correcting the course will be a drawn out process. The challenge for the parent is to withstand the process and for the parent to learn a new role in correcting their teen’s course instead of just concentrating on the behaviour in the moment. This can be more thorny than working with the teen as many parents have difficulty surmounting their own anger in view of the turmoil imposed by the teen.
The change the parent must learn to adopt is to move from a policing and corrections stance where one seeks to only address misdeeds and curtail behaviour, to one where the parent gains control of their own behaviour first, to then offer guidance and direction to their son or daughter. The only goal herein is for the parent to engage their son or daughter in more reasonable and wholesome activities.
In truth, telling a teen what not to do and harping on them for misdeeds and poor choices only keeps them mired in the mud. In lieu of this, parents must come to coach and coax their son or daughter towards activities inherently of interest to their son or daughter. They must help the teen join clubs, sports, recreational or creative activities that are fun. Do not view this as rewarding misbehaviour, but providing alternate activities to that which the teen was otherwise drawn.
More to the point, every minute spent engaged in a reasonable activity, is a minute away from the other nefarious activities. Further, all structured and organized activities are supervised. Hence, the teen is now under the guidance and direction of an adult, geared to facilitating skill development as per the area of interest. If your teen is amenable, join with him or her. Change the context of the relationship from punisher to collaborator. In so doing, resist harping on the issues of old, in favour of chatting about the new current activities.
In defensive driving terms, this is known as steering where you want to drive – crash avoidance. Steer towards the crash, and that’s what happens. Steer where you want to go and enjoy the ride as you achieve your destination.
In some situations, the relationship between parent and teen is so deteriorated that all manner of influence is lost and the teen cannot contemplate a change in direction facilitated by the parents. In such situations, parents may need to use an alternate source of influence. To this end, there may be a youth worker in a community-based program who may be helpful in engaging the teen in their program. Such programs may be available through the YMCA/YWCA, Boys and Girls Clubs, Salvation Army, church groups, etc. Call your local program and ask to speak with the youth worker. Explain your situation and see if the youth worker can invite and engage your son or daughter in their program. This means of “outreach” is designed to capture youth and reintegrate them into more meaningful activities with the support and guidance of the youth worker.
The goal remains the same: out-of-control, troublesome teens need to be engaged in meaningful activities, of inherent interest and fun. These activities are supervised and incompatible with getting into trouble. These are the first steps to changing the course of a wayward teen and improving relations with parents and family.
The real challenge in managing teens is engagement in reasonable activities. Put your efforts here.
Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW (905) 628-4847
gary@yoursocialworker.com http://www.yoursocialworker.com Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert on child development, parent-child relations, marital and family therapy, custody and access recommendations, social work and an expert for the purpose of giving a critique on a Section 112 (social work) report. Call him for your next conference and for expert opinion on family matters. Services include counselling, mediation, assessment, assessment critiques and workshops.
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Sexuality and Making Love Worldwide – 6
December 11th, 2009Hasan A. Yahya, Ph.D
This article describes religious and cultural sexual practices: No government or official law on human rights are respected or secured in love cases leads to adultery in the Arab and Muslim world. So it might be excusable for ancient people to act like as they did. Love is blind as they say, but temptations to commit adultery is punishable. Old stories of Romeo and Juliet, Antar and Abla, Qays and Laila, and Jamil and Buthainah, many centuries old stories of history these days. In the modern world with a high tech civilization, and interaction through media and education and cultural diffusion, it is not excusable to do it according to Arabic and Islamic ethics. A Saudi man do not allow women to have a freedom, negates cultural norms. Some women’s activists call for women in Saudi Arabia the right to drive their cars alone. What do you expect from a culture respects honor and perceive women as weak persons, need always men or familial protection? In Saudi Arabia, if a woman is not allowed to drive, or to vote, or to go outside alone, or to talk with unrelated men and etc, it does not mean that they prohibit them from loving each other, no one can stand in the face of love, because love is incited by God, and God makes people love each other, but when love became illegal love, negate cultural norms, then killing people who love each other and committed adultery is suitable punishment culturally. There is no dating as Americans way of life. These adultery activities are prohibited in both Arab and Islamic countries. Saudi like to watch the execution of such penalties, they often come from far away just for seeing these acts. In these days, westerners do not admit such acts and describe them as just uneducated savages actions against human rights, but not modern people who call themselves Muslims their families appreciate such acts.(331 words). www.hasanyahya.com
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Sexuality and Making Love Worldwide – 11
December 10th, 2009Hasan A. Yahya, Ph.D
This article is about parenting In the Arab and Muslim world, also related to sexuality.: In the Parenting an Arab and Muslim girl, parents give girls everything they wanted. They treat them sincerely and kindly. And when they were at the right age, the family chose a good husband for her, in what called in sociology, arranged marriages which is popular in the Arab and Muslim world. a good man, the family knows. But some young ladies had ideas of their own. Therefore, they rebelled. They have choices: one is to refuse the proposed person. And deny fulfilling the marriage contract. Or for other reason such as going to complete their education at the university in local or far communities. May be other countries differ from the place of origin. If they are married, they usually did not love the selected husband who was forced on her at the beginning. In Saudi Arabia, and many other Muslim and Arab countries, woman still should not be allowed to raise her voice. They call it “Awrah”, a “shameful act” by women to raise their voice when men are present. A woman is considered of a “lower, inferior sex” by choice, some say, because the Islamic culture promotes certain ethics in terms of women behavior. That she should not act like a man. The man is the master, or the over hand in marriage or in the family, a young brother can control his elder sister, this is common in Arab and Muslim countries. As she’s the wife, not the slave as some people like to say. Soon after a woman marriage she usually live in the extended family, but these days the newly married couple have their own house. They may leave to other community as we said, and fell in love in that different environment. No girl or boy may fall in love “deliberately.” Even a veiled woman, but women usually conceal their love from family. It is sometimes told to close female friends. Lover in Arab and Muslim world become in danger position, some people consider love as illegal and forbidden. But lovers may die for their love. They may sacrifice themselves for the lover safety. (378 words) www.hasanyahya.com
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Sexuality and First Time Dating – One
December 10th, 2009Hasan A. Yahya, Ph.Ds
What questions pup up in your mind: What should I do in the first Date? In psychology we learn that, if you were a boy or girl then your answer will vary drastically, girls look inside to themselves , boys, however, look for outside themselves for answers.
Psychology tells us that certain variables determine the answers. For example, age, sex, race, religion, marital status, education, wealth, etc., While most first dates come early in high schools, we will answer the question through that age, which is roughly between 12 and 18. In America, teenagers learn about dating from friends, media, and by reading about it. They have answers according to their knowledge. But really, what should I wear, pups-up in the minds of girls, in other words, how I look, or should I look in the first date? But this is not the proper question to ask. A self control, and self conscious girl, may ask other questions about perfume, dress, but what you need to ask in the first date is: Do I know my partner?
This question makes you prepare certain question to know more about the guy or girl. Statement like: tell me about your self, what you like, and how do feel? Something like that. The purpose of course is to know more about your partner, but if you know him for more than three months, and you know him very well, because he’s or she’s in you school, or your class, or your neighborhood, your questions should be about something else. For example, how generous I should be, how much permissive I should be dealing with certain questions about sex? About your secrets, which you want to keep for yourself. You don’t know whether the date will be successful or not.
Suppose talking about oneself in the first date, you have to be a good listener, and alert to follow up with questions about certain words, or feelings. Some interesting points, like, how is that? Why do you think so? Or I like this, say it again. Laugh on his jokes, but not to show that you are making laughs out of contest.
A boy or a girl likes to show kindness, concern to please each other, and both will be conservatives in their behavior, especially showing their bad qualities. So advice to both girls and boys in their first date can be suggested here:
The question which is often not asked from girls is, what are the expectations or the consequences of the first time dating? The answer for this question will be the subject of next article. Happy dating time, folks. (642 words) www.hasanyahya.com
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Is Private School Right for my Child?
December 7th, 2009You are considering a private school. Why is that? If you believe that by sticking your child in a private school that things will just get better for them, you may be making a big mistake. That is, you should send your child to a private school only if it is going to benefit him, not you. Many parents decide that secluding their child in this type of school will allow them to do better and avoid the problems that teens face. Yet, what you do not know is that they are probably going to face then anyway.
Drugs, alcohol, sex, and other teen pressures will happen no matter where they go and what they do. Instead of making a private school a punishment or a way to try and shield them from this, deal with these problems and then determine if this type of educational environment is right for your child.
When Is It Right?
To know when your child may be better off in a private school, ask yourself these questions.
Take some time to determine what a private school really can offer your child. In most cases, they will still be faced with all the temptations that other teens are. Making the right choice can happen if you to talk to your child, their teachers and your spouse.
High School Drug Use
December 7th, 2009It is amazing how fast things can change; how pure innocence can turn to arrogance and adventurism. It seems up until your first year in high school, you feel safe from anything. You are preoccupied with life as how you knew it from the start, when in school you’re intrigued to hear rumors in junior high, they’re usually about who likes who, and who broke up with who. It just seems so naive. But when you stepped into high school, it becomes an entirely different ballgame. Somehow you seem to have been stripped of all your innocence. Suddenly you become vulnerable to the evils that you knew nothing about before. It seems the only thing people talk about is either sex or drug use. We all know of so many personalities who have so much potential to do great things in life, but threw it all away when they started to use drugs.
This is the daunting scenario that we have today. We are aware of it, the government is aware of it, law enforcers are aware of it but still the nagging problem persists and threatens the fragile future of our youth today. Numbers don’t lie. Nearly half of all high school seniors in America have experimented with illegal drugs and about three quarters have tried alcohol. A study conducted on the drug use prevalence among high school seniors in the US revealed the following: 41.8% have tried marijuana and at least 5% uses it everyday; 7.8% have used cocaine; 1.5% have tried heroin; 72.2% have used alcohol and 3.1% take alcohol daily; 6.5% have tried ecstasy; 8.4% have tried using hallucinogens (LSD, Magic Mushrooms, Peyote); and at least 15.4% have reported having used prescription drugs (vicodin, oxycontin etc.) to get high. These are alarming statistics but equally disturbing is how easily high school students can get hold of these prohibited drugs. The dilemma that we have today is worse than what our parents had to deal with; and at the rate things are going it is quite likely that by the time you have kids, the situation will be ten times worse than what it is today. The problem should be addressed now with more stringent measures and from different fronts. It should be a collective and conscious effort from the government, school administrations and more importantly the parents. Parents should be educated about the dangers facing their teens today because they are for real and are likely to stay if nothing is done to stem the problem. The government should make laws with much more teeth in them so as to deter drug dealers and manufacturers who are selling these substances like pancakes. Schools must have more effective screening and monitoring systems to keep drugs away from their vicinity and thus give their students a good shot for a productive college life. Illicit drugs seem to fall in and out of favor with experimental youths. But one thing is constant, more and more teens are experimenting with it. The perils are great and more threatening than ever, but studies consistently show that teens whose parents talk to them about drugs are at a much lower risk to experiment.
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The Five Stages of Drug Abuse
December 5th, 2009There are five distinct stages of drug abuse. The first stage is described as access to drugs but no use thereof. Teens are just curious about drug use; they may ask questions or ask to join those using drugs. They willingly listen to stories about the effects of drugs. They watch others obtaining drugs or using them. In this stage, minimizing the risk factors that make a teenager more vulnerable to using drugs are an issue. Prevention is the key element here where parents take on the lead role in ensuring the well-being of their teens.
The second stage of drug use ranges from experimentation or occasional use to regular weekly use of substances. The users experiment with drugs and discover the effects. This is usually social, recreational use carried out as part of a group, usually on weekends. This stage is critical because it may pave the way for the third stage which is characterized by the youth progressing to further increasing the frequency of using one or more drugs on a regular basis. Now the drug user has discovered the “benefits” of using drugs. Perhaps they alleviate boredom or anxiety. Problems and stresses may seem to disappear. Girls or women may use stimulants for weight loss and males may use steroids for appearance enhancement. When the positive effects outweigh the risks or any negative effects, these individuals may become regular users. This stage may also include the teenager either buying, stealing, or drug dealing to get drugs.
In the fourth stage, adolescents have established regular usage, have become preoccupied with getting intoxicated (”high”), and have developed problems in their social, educational, vocational, or family life as a result of using the substance.
The final and most serious stage of drug use is defined by the youth only feeling “normal” when they are using. They are now certified drug addicts. During this stage, risk-taking behaviors like stealing, drug dealing, engaging in physical fights, unprotected sex, or driving while intoxicated increase and they become most vulnerable to having suicidal or homicidal thoughts.
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Here’s Why You Need to Talk to Your Teen About Drugs Now
November 24th, 2009
Like talking about sex, having a conversation with your teen about drugs and alcohol can be, well, a bit uncomfortable. Sure, you may hear about how you should talk to your children about illegal substances whenever you get the opportunity – but having the conversation itself can be so awkward that many parents choose not to do it, not to mention that many parents feel too uneducated about booze and drugs to even talk about it! In fact, a recent study conducted by Action on Addiction in the United Kingdom found that over 40% of adults choose not to have these necessary conversations with their children and teenagers, but rather leave it up to the schools. If this sounds familiar, then take note: children and teenagers often want to hear about drugs and alcohol from the mouths of their own parents rather than their health class teacher.
But how exactly do you got about having this conversation without appearing uneducated – or worse – hypocritical? Here’s what you need to know in order to best educate your kids about the dangers of drugs and underage drinking as effectively as possible.
Give Them Warnings That Are Tangible. it’s no secret that most tweens and teens think that they’re invincible. If you warn your child that drinking and doing drugs will kill them – even though your teen is surrounded by people who have not died from alcohol or certain drugs – they won’t get as scared as you’d like them to. However, if you tell your child that drinking and doing drugs can cost them thousands of dollars a year – not to mention make them smell horrible – and you’ll see a change in their behavior quickly!
Try To Relate To Your Teen. Tweens and teens have an uncanny ability to see straight through any fibs; therefore, if you are staunchly against drinking and drugs, even though you may have experimented yourself as a teen, you’ll just end up confusing your child. Be honest with your child – if you did drugs as a teen, tell them why you did it, and why you chose to stop it. Your teen will appreciate your honesty, as opposed to labeling you as a “hypocrite”.
Find Out Who His Or Her Friends Are. When it comes to raising teens, knowledge is half the battle – that’s why you should make the effort to become familiar with you teenager’s friends. You don’t have to know everything about them; rather, you want to do so in order to determine if they’re positive influences on your teen. It won’t take long for you to get a feel for your teen’s friends’ personalities – if someone rubs you the wrong way, try to limit how much time your teen spends with him or her.
Be Supportive. If you’ve discovered that your child drank at a party or took drugs, your first reaction may be to punish them. While discipline is completely necessary, it’s important for your teen to know that you’ll love them no matter what – this will teach your child that it’s okay to approach you about their upsetting behavior rather than keep it secret.
Above all, accept the fact that you won’t be around to monitor your child’s activities for every hour of every day – no matter how tempted you may be! Instead, trust that you instilled proper values within your children that will help them to make the right decisions when it counts, therefore setting them up for future success long into adulthood.
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Three Lessons to Teach Your Teen about Sex
November 22nd, 2009In a sad way, I find it somewhat amusing when mass media and some parents routinely propose or actually go ahead in giving their teens leniency in regards to breaking universal rules and values around dating and sex. I find this amusing because I routinely have young girls come in to see me or request advice via my website, about their realization that they have become pregnant, and lost as to what course of action to take. Recently I saw a fifteen year old, who was contemplating giving her year old son for adoption, because she had reached her wits end with him. The child, like any one year old, fast approaching his second birthday, has become more active and demanding for attention. These examples are just dealing with teen pregnancy and teen parent hood, I have not begun to go into the adolescent clients diagnosed with herpes, and yes HIV, I have seen in the past.
So yes, I find the glorification of sex with adolescents in today’s culture somewhat amusing because, no one ever brags about staying up all night with a crying baby, or being infected with HIV. If you are a parent, there are three lessons you need to teach your teen about sex.
Lesson One
Just as you sat with your toddler (or maybe not), and watched Elmo and friends shamelessly talk about the basics of potty training, you should sit with your teen and shamelessly talk about the basics of sex. From sexual attraction, to arousal, to fore play and intercourse. This difficult and needful conversation has to cover not just sex, but the science behind it. From the differences between the male and female genitalia, to what changes to expect during puberty, pregnancy and sexual transmitted infections.
Lesson Two
So you have gone over the bells and whistles of sex and it’s consequences with your teen, now what? Protection. That’s right, go ahead; talk about the use of a condom and it’s researched statistic, as well as the use of birth control. Condoms if used correctly, will work a hundred percent of the time, ninety-eight percent to account for human error. Then there is the science and timing of birth control pills, explain to your son or daughter what happens if one pill is missed, and the success rate even if the pills are taken on a consistent basis.
Lesson Three
This is the most important lesson of all, as it has to do with the “what if” scenarios. What if your daughter gets pregnant? What if your son gets a sexual transmitted infection, or becomes a father? The focus of this lesson is to teach your teen, that nothing is guaranteed or set in stone, and that their daily choices could trigger a number of infinite possibilities. As a responsible parent, your “what if” response should be tailored towards supporting your teen, but not enabling or bailing them out of trouble.
Teaching these three lessons will not eliminate the possibilities of your teen contracting a sexual transmitted infection or becoming a teen parent, but it will go a long ways towards decreasing the likelihood.
Ugo Uche MS., LPC
For more information about Ugo please visit:
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